I want it all.

Here I am a 34 year old women finding myself at the end of yet another failed relationship once again preparing to ring in the new year with no one special in my life. Wondering what is it that I really want and what is it that I'm really willing to give? What is my definition of a true relationship? What is my all? I think I have an idea but what makes me let some things slip by with one man and not except them with another? One man I dated was financially responsible wasn’t rich but very conscience with money. Very manly and traditional on what a man should pay for in a relationship. However, he had that kind of dangerous is this motherfucker gonna kill me today love. The kind that is always on the edge, don’t know if what I’m gonna say will set him off. Which can be exciting at times but if your not used to that kinda thing (and I’m not) it can prove to be too much. The other guy I dated was very nice, very sweet and calm but very broke, no job and very happy that way. Since I made the money in the relationship I funded it. Now I’m not talking big stuff, a trip to the movies here, dinner there. I be damned if I pay a grown man's rent. I always thought if I can put the two together they would make one great man. It seemed what one didn’t have the other did, right down to sex. One eats pussy the other didn’t. One had a big dick the other didn’t and so on. So now that I’m not dating anyone I have to sit back and think. What is my idea of having it all in a relationship? Everyone has an idea of what they want. Some want marriage, some just want to have a long term relationship with no marriage. Some want to be the one in control of everything and some just want to be controlled. I needed to figure out what was my common denominator. Then came a few days ago, with the help of someone else, I had a very important break through of what that is. I refused to be used in anyway, not my body, my money or my time. I met a man the other day he seemed very promising. We met like how everyone else meets, online and we exchanged numbers, never spoke just text. Through the texting I made it very clear I’m looking for a long term relationship. Which he replied, “cool”. After a few messages his line of questioning set off a few red flags. Nothing major just things like, “Are your breast real, do you have a big ass, do your wear thongs or g-strings?” etc.. (to which the answer to all the questions except the last one is yes). His questions made me want to cut to the chase and get a clear understanding of what this guy’s intentions really are. So I ask , “Are you looking for something casual ?” Which is a nice way of saying, “Do you just want easy pussy?” To which he replies ,"Yes”. Ok no problem I thought, I tell him very nicely, “Well sorry I’m not the one for you”. No harm no foul and defiantly no hard feelings, until he replies with this. “Can’t we do it til we each find someone else?” WHAT THE FUCK! Who does this man think he is and how dare he think it's was ok to ask me to use my pussy til he finds some new pussy? Needless to say I told him to fuck off but after I calmed down I realized something, he helped me. I now know what my all is, it’s not what a man can give me but it’s what I’m willing to except from a man. My time can’t be used up on assholes who think relationships are emotional roller coasters, my money can’t be wasted on men that don’t understand how hard I work for it and think an occasional thank you baby will cover everything. Lastly my body can’t be wasted on men who think they can use me til if or when he finds someone else. These may seem like simple things but often these are things we come to give up in the quest to find our all, this includes men too. Now I’m not saying I'm not gonna slip up and waver off what I’m looking for but I think I have a very strong idea of what having my all in a relationship is. I really don’t know if I ever will get it, so wish me luck and good luck to you in finding yours.

New found confidence.

I was getting out of the shower today and decided to do a coochie check. You know just giving it a quick check for any bumps and bruises due to any minor altercations it has been through (everyone does it and if you don't I strongly suggest you do). So I get my hand mirror out getting ready to give my coochie a little pep talk, just let it know it's doing a good job and it's appreciated and that things are looking down right now but it will get better. You gotta do a pussy pep talk now and again it’s good for the both of you. Anyway everything was looking good ( if I do say so myself ;) ) when my mirror slips out of my hand and I catch between my legs. I was shocked, my coochie has fast reflexes! Here I am giving it pep talks and it does tricks I didn't even know. Now I know its a long way from smoking a cancer stick but its something. It was kind of like my coochie was saying, " I'm not the one who needs the pep talk, you the one who needs to remember just how ill this nana is". Needless to say I feel better bout myself, my coochie has given me new confidence. Now if a man ask me for some I will be like, "fool please this is bionic coochie, its super fast. I can't just give the coochie you, you gotta catch it". So the moral of this story is ( if there is one ) ladies there will be times when you are down and you will forget how good you are and what you got to offer is, not just your coochie but you in general. Remember there is more to you than you think. Give yourself I good pep talk learn something new about yourself cause just when you think you’ve done it all, that’s when you’ll realize this old dog has new tricks (but just don’t be turning tricks, oh my, that’s whole other conversation).